I love this so much! I turned 81 in February and am still wondering exactly how that happened. Now that it has, I find myself living into spaces that have always been there but left largely unexplored because of other things calling out for my attention. Diving into those spaces is turning out to be quite the adventure, not always comfortable for sure, always curious, often quite unexpected and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
That’s exactly what seems to be going on with me these days. I’m curious about ways of being that were not part of my awareness in younger years. I’m curious about everythiing and not nearly as fearful as I may have once been.
What a great epiphany to have at this stage in life. And to just "be." I love that now as I watch the wildlife in the garden or listen to the sounds of the neighborhood at four in the morning. It's all there for me to enjoy. And if others aren't interested when I tell them about it, thats on them. That's freedom.
I agree. Honestly, maybe it’s the circles that I live in, but I don’t find a lot of interest among my IRL people for these kinds of ideas. But I have found an online community who shares this way of being and that works for me.
Yes! Mary Oliver’s words are so true. I enjoy her poetry very much. And, guess what? She and I are birthday twins! Same month and number but some years apart. I am proud to be her b’day twin.
Wait. There’s a new documentary out on her? I’ve got to go check this out. BRB. YES! I found it. It was just released this past weekend. Now to figure out how to watch it. Thank for the tip!
Hmm, very well said, at this stage in life there’s more opportunity to ruminate on how I landed here and if I’m ok with the path. I’ve always been pretty confident in who I am as a person. My employment has never defined who I am as a person even if it did end up steering what others know of me. I struggled with retirement even though I use the term retirement loosely. Like many, I worked from a very early age. Often maintaining 2 careers at the same time. Now, no longer having to arrive at a “in town job” it took time to adjust to working on the farm and letting clients come to me for consultation. It’s like leisure chaos and oddly, that’s where I’ve always thrived. Wild that as time here on earth winds down, I feel like I have more time to reach out, to be introspective, and to put love out into the cosmos. So, what is the meaning of life ? Not sure I have a definitive answer, but it feels pretty right at this point.
Thank you for the thought provoking exercise and forgive the random stream of consciousness.
Thank YOU for this wonderful reply, Axey . Stream of consciousness writing is always welcome in my world. Yes, I worked from a very young age too and lived a lifetime of responsibility and forward movement. I applaud your idea that this is the time to put love out into the cosmos. I think we’ve talked before about Hadyn Carruth’s poem Testament. He refers to “now I am almost entirely love”. Do you remember?
I tried to link the poem but it’s not working for me. 🤷🏻♀️But you can find it online. for sure.
Thanks for chiming in, Steven. The older I get , the more I know that’s it about paying attention. I maybe didn’t have time way back when to do that but I do now.
This really hit home with me. At 81, I still can’t quite figure out who I am. This started in my 50’s, so it seems I should have some answers, but my life has always been one of caregiving, for parents, sibling, children, animals, and community. As you say, I wouldn’t change that, but now what? Sometimes time seems to stretch endlessly with no purpose, and that is unacceptable. I have been given this time, and it is a gift to not be wasted.
I really appreciate your comment. I went to your account and read several of your recent posts. I left this comment on one of them: twins separated at birth! It’s true. It sounds like you wonder about the Big Truths as much as I do. I hear you on acknowledging that we have been given this time and it’s not a gift to be wasted but it may be a time to just be and breathe and stay open to wonder and mystery?
This last phase of my life is difficult for me. It’s hard to accept that the search for meaning is nearing its end. I have always loved being immersed in nature, and find peace and calm there. I want to feel that it’s okay to just relax and enjoy life, but I still get that nagging feeling that I should be doing more, and that we’re here to continue contributing to our world in all ways possible. Yet if the small things we do make a difference, then I am contributing. Can I finally just appreciate where I am?
The small things we do make ALL the difference. I’m not out working long days every day now. I’m not working daily with families in crisis. I don’t make great art nor write fantastic novels, poems, or essays. But i do help my neighbor. I make cookies for my friend who is undergoing chemo. I check in daily with my recently widowed brother. It’s stuff like that that matters really. I have my moments of dismay when it comes to whoever is living in this skin but I do know that she is observant of her fellow human beings. She does the best she can do.
I’m so glad to have met you on here. I think we have much in common. I look forward to reading more from you and - I hope - being mutually supportive and caring. Cann I ask, where in the big wide world are you?
Agreed, Dave, there may be several destinations. I have been dipping my toes into the notion of multiple universes lately - just an exciting idea out of physics . I love that more intelligent people than I are willing and able to explore ideas that I can barely grasp!
When I retired, I had a hard time transitioning from introducing myself as who I used to be and instead introducing the me I was/am becoming. It's so much more fun not to have just one static identity!!
Thank you for writing what I think and feel and doing it so that I don't have to! I love the questions you ask of yourself, but I especially love the answers you find. With gratitude....
Thank you for such kind words, Carla. I gain so much from tossing out questions, making a stab at an answer , and then listening to what others have to say. I’m glad you find the words helpful!
Your posts resonate so much with me and this one feels synchronistic because you express everything I've experienced and pondered in this aging process. In the last year, I've felt a freedom I never had when I thought my identity and worth lay in all the roles I played. Now at almost 80, I realize my true identity lies beyond all those roles. I am free just to be; to do what I want to do; to just be attentive and appreciative of the beauty and wonder around me; curious about everything. And it seems you're on that path too, free to be more fully you instead of what you've thought the world wants you to be. You said it so beautifully in your poetic descriptions of luminous roses, waves folding on the beach, an art filled sky. It's in those silent moments of presence, of mindful attention that your soul comes to life, the light of your inner being shines brightest. And so I think some of the most interesting and meaningful parts of your life are ahead of you, not behind. As you said, it's a process, and all about paying attention. Thanks for this thought-provoking post.
Thank you for your insightful comment, Lee. I think it’s so amazing that even as we grow older, we can still be reaching for that true identity. Life isn’t as chaotic and demanding as it once was and so, for me, there is the opportunity to breathe and notice. I’m a little scared that the interesting and meaningful times really ARE over but then I remind myself that I have no idea what is coming next in life. I want to feel alive and, in the words of the poet Hayden Carruth, I want to be mostly love now. That’s all I am asking of the universe anymore. Be alive. Be love.
Hi again, It’s Shirley. I enjoyed reading this post! I commented earlier on another one of your posts. I mentioned that like you I had many of the same roles but in this next chapter I pivoted to something that makes me so very happy—Shirleyfest. One of the driving factors to come up with Shirleyfest was a year long process of embracing all the transitions I was going through (passing of my mother, only child moving 3,000 miles away, selling company, becoming single, and even more!) In that examination I realized I wanted to build my life around pillars that resonated with me rather than react to everything that came in through my windshield. I came up with 5 pillars and I became very deliberate about those pillars. While each person would have different pillars, having deliberately chosen mine, things became very clear to me as to what I wanted to do and what I would not do. I’ve now been living those pillars for 16 years and I’ve feel quite joyful about this stage of my life. I now inhabit the life I deliberately cultivated. It’s a calm but still exciting feeling. Best wishes, Shirley
So, the five pillars are like mottos or ways of being? I have a list of those for myself that I even carry around in my wallet but I can’t keep it to only five. Thngs like: breathe, stay curious, everything changes, life is messy, everyone has a story, you’ll manage. These and a few others are like guidepoints , if I only remember to pull them out.
Thank you for sharing that strategy that has brought you both calmness and excitement. That’s the perfect place to be.
No they are not as you describe. I have what u describe as well. I call them the Tao of Shirley. No—These are 5 deliberate categories that I try to spend an equal amount of time, talent and resources in. So almost 20% of my life is devoted to each of the 5 pillars. For example, Deliberate Travel is one of the 5. Another is Spirituality, etc. I have definite tactics in each of the 5.
Oh, I get what you mean now. Hmmmmm. I want to think about how that system would work for me. The first idea that sprang to mind was family - my siblings are my best friends and we hold each other up. I can see where 20% of my life could be devoted to them and to my children/grandchildren. That would be satisfying for me. Let me think some more. Thanks for clarifying.
Love this so much, Gracie! You’ve put into the perfect words of this time in life…alone and uncertain, but being brave anyway for whatever lies ahead. You’re right about obits… long lists of accomplishments ….but what about the real stuff that makes you you!?
I love this so much! I turned 81 in February and am still wondering exactly how that happened. Now that it has, I find myself living into spaces that have always been there but left largely unexplored because of other things calling out for my attention. Diving into those spaces is turning out to be quite the adventure, not always comfortable for sure, always curious, often quite unexpected and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
That’s exactly what seems to be going on with me these days. I’m curious about ways of being that were not part of my awareness in younger years. I’m curious about everythiing and not nearly as fearful as I may have once been.
What a great epiphany to have at this stage in life. And to just "be." I love that now as I watch the wildlife in the garden or listen to the sounds of the neighborhood at four in the morning. It's all there for me to enjoy. And if others aren't interested when I tell them about it, thats on them. That's freedom.
I agree. Honestly, maybe it’s the circles that I live in, but I don’t find a lot of interest among my IRL people for these kinds of ideas. But I have found an online community who shares this way of being and that works for me.
Instructions for living a life. by Mary Oliver. Instructions for living a life: Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it.
Yes! Mary Oliver’s words are so true. I enjoy her poetry very much. And, guess what? She and I are birthday twins! Same month and number but some years apart. I am proud to be her b’day twin.
So I ‘ll bet you are looking forward to seeing the new documentary about her as much as I am!
Wait. There’s a new documentary out on her? I’ve got to go check this out. BRB. YES! I found it. It was just released this past weekend. Now to figure out how to watch it. Thank for the tip!
Hmm, very well said, at this stage in life there’s more opportunity to ruminate on how I landed here and if I’m ok with the path. I’ve always been pretty confident in who I am as a person. My employment has never defined who I am as a person even if it did end up steering what others know of me. I struggled with retirement even though I use the term retirement loosely. Like many, I worked from a very early age. Often maintaining 2 careers at the same time. Now, no longer having to arrive at a “in town job” it took time to adjust to working on the farm and letting clients come to me for consultation. It’s like leisure chaos and oddly, that’s where I’ve always thrived. Wild that as time here on earth winds down, I feel like I have more time to reach out, to be introspective, and to put love out into the cosmos. So, what is the meaning of life ? Not sure I have a definitive answer, but it feels pretty right at this point.
Thank you for the thought provoking exercise and forgive the random stream of consciousness.
Thank YOU for this wonderful reply, Axey . Stream of consciousness writing is always welcome in my world. Yes, I worked from a very young age too and lived a lifetime of responsibility and forward movement. I applaud your idea that this is the time to put love out into the cosmos. I think we’ve talked before about Hadyn Carruth’s poem Testament. He refers to “now I am almost entirely love”. Do you remember?
I tried to link the poem but it’s not working for me. 🤷🏻♀️But you can find it online. for sure.
Yes! I just sent this to Pam, that poem is so much who we are.
Same.
My job is not to manufacture a new identity. My job is to pay attention. The rest, perhaps, will follow.
Wise counsel, that.
Thanks for chiming in, Steven. The older I get , the more I know that’s it about paying attention. I maybe didn’t have time way back when to do that but I do now.
This really hit home with me. At 81, I still can’t quite figure out who I am. This started in my 50’s, so it seems I should have some answers, but my life has always been one of caregiving, for parents, sibling, children, animals, and community. As you say, I wouldn’t change that, but now what? Sometimes time seems to stretch endlessly with no purpose, and that is unacceptable. I have been given this time, and it is a gift to not be wasted.
I really appreciate your comment. I went to your account and read several of your recent posts. I left this comment on one of them: twins separated at birth! It’s true. It sounds like you wonder about the Big Truths as much as I do. I hear you on acknowledging that we have been given this time and it’s not a gift to be wasted but it may be a time to just be and breathe and stay open to wonder and mystery?
This last phase of my life is difficult for me. It’s hard to accept that the search for meaning is nearing its end. I have always loved being immersed in nature, and find peace and calm there. I want to feel that it’s okay to just relax and enjoy life, but I still get that nagging feeling that I should be doing more, and that we’re here to continue contributing to our world in all ways possible. Yet if the small things we do make a difference, then I am contributing. Can I finally just appreciate where I am?
The small things we do make ALL the difference. I’m not out working long days every day now. I’m not working daily with families in crisis. I don’t make great art nor write fantastic novels, poems, or essays. But i do help my neighbor. I make cookies for my friend who is undergoing chemo. I check in daily with my recently widowed brother. It’s stuff like that that matters really. I have my moments of dismay when it comes to whoever is living in this skin but I do know that she is observant of her fellow human beings. She does the best she can do.
I want to tell you that you have helped me tremendously today. Thank you.
I’m so glad to have met you on here. I think we have much in common. I look forward to reading more from you and - I hope - being mutually supportive and caring. Cann I ask, where in the big wide world are you?
Of course. I live in Yakima Washington, which is an agricultural area east of the Cascade mountains. You?
Oh yes, I’ve been through that part of Washington. Aren’t apples your signature crop? Perhaps also grapes? I’m along the north coast of California.
I spent a lot of my life sure I was going somewhere, just didn't have the map.
Lately I get the feeling that there may be several destinations, still don't have the map, but somehow that feels OK.
Agreed, Dave, there may be several destinations. I have been dipping my toes into the notion of multiple universes lately - just an exciting idea out of physics . I love that more intelligent people than I are willing and able to explore ideas that I can barely grasp!
Danger: Deep Water!
Multiple universes may actually be different ways of looking at the same old one! At least that's what universes was getting at.
When I retired, I had a hard time transitioning from introducing myself as who I used to be and instead introducing the me I was/am becoming. It's so much more fun not to have just one static identity!!
That’s the truth!
I wonder if you're right! Looking forward to being open enough to find out. You've opened new doorways of possibility 😍
I love that attitude! Stay curious. That’s my core motto.
Thank you for writing what I think and feel and doing it so that I don't have to! I love the questions you ask of yourself, but I especially love the answers you find. With gratitude....
Thank you for such kind words, Carla. I gain so much from tossing out questions, making a stab at an answer , and then listening to what others have to say. I’m glad you find the words helpful!
Such a wonderful light.
“don’t just do something, stand there”
I liked your comment about being with love: Be alive. Be love. That's my focus too.
Your posts resonate so much with me and this one feels synchronistic because you express everything I've experienced and pondered in this aging process. In the last year, I've felt a freedom I never had when I thought my identity and worth lay in all the roles I played. Now at almost 80, I realize my true identity lies beyond all those roles. I am free just to be; to do what I want to do; to just be attentive and appreciative of the beauty and wonder around me; curious about everything. And it seems you're on that path too, free to be more fully you instead of what you've thought the world wants you to be. You said it so beautifully in your poetic descriptions of luminous roses, waves folding on the beach, an art filled sky. It's in those silent moments of presence, of mindful attention that your soul comes to life, the light of your inner being shines brightest. And so I think some of the most interesting and meaningful parts of your life are ahead of you, not behind. As you said, it's a process, and all about paying attention. Thanks for this thought-provoking post.
Thank you for your insightful comment, Lee. I think it’s so amazing that even as we grow older, we can still be reaching for that true identity. Life isn’t as chaotic and demanding as it once was and so, for me, there is the opportunity to breathe and notice. I’m a little scared that the interesting and meaningful times really ARE over but then I remind myself that I have no idea what is coming next in life. I want to feel alive and, in the words of the poet Hayden Carruth, I want to be mostly love now. That’s all I am asking of the universe anymore. Be alive. Be love.
Hi again, It’s Shirley. I enjoyed reading this post! I commented earlier on another one of your posts. I mentioned that like you I had many of the same roles but in this next chapter I pivoted to something that makes me so very happy—Shirleyfest. One of the driving factors to come up with Shirleyfest was a year long process of embracing all the transitions I was going through (passing of my mother, only child moving 3,000 miles away, selling company, becoming single, and even more!) In that examination I realized I wanted to build my life around pillars that resonated with me rather than react to everything that came in through my windshield. I came up with 5 pillars and I became very deliberate about those pillars. While each person would have different pillars, having deliberately chosen mine, things became very clear to me as to what I wanted to do and what I would not do. I’ve now been living those pillars for 16 years and I’ve feel quite joyful about this stage of my life. I now inhabit the life I deliberately cultivated. It’s a calm but still exciting feeling. Best wishes, Shirley
So, the five pillars are like mottos or ways of being? I have a list of those for myself that I even carry around in my wallet but I can’t keep it to only five. Thngs like: breathe, stay curious, everything changes, life is messy, everyone has a story, you’ll manage. These and a few others are like guidepoints , if I only remember to pull them out.
Thank you for sharing that strategy that has brought you both calmness and excitement. That’s the perfect place to be.
No they are not as you describe. I have what u describe as well. I call them the Tao of Shirley. No—These are 5 deliberate categories that I try to spend an equal amount of time, talent and resources in. So almost 20% of my life is devoted to each of the 5 pillars. For example, Deliberate Travel is one of the 5. Another is Spirituality, etc. I have definite tactics in each of the 5.
Oh, I get what you mean now. Hmmmmm. I want to think about how that system would work for me. The first idea that sprang to mind was family - my siblings are my best friends and we hold each other up. I can see where 20% of my life could be devoted to them and to my children/grandchildren. That would be satisfying for me. Let me think some more. Thanks for clarifying.
Love this so much, Gracie! You’ve put into the perfect words of this time in life…alone and uncertain, but being brave anyway for whatever lies ahead. You’re right about obits… long lists of accomplishments ….but what about the real stuff that makes you you!?
Beautifully said and written my friend! ☺️🥰💕🙌
Thank you, Joan. That means a lot coming from you. Your buoyant attitude offers so much encouragement to the world . You show me what is possible.
So sweet of you, my friend! 🥰