Flying Over My Life?
I’ve always had a thing for speed. No, not speed as in methamphetamine speed. I mean speed as in physical motion. I’m the kind of energy that wants to soar rather than float. I was proud to be the fastest kindergartener in my class. I ran daily during my 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s. I counted laps and laps, I pounded trails and asphalt, always seeking a faster time. I rode a bicycle for years, commuting in town and sailing over country roads on the weekends. I love the power of movement and the magic of speed. Lately, however, I’m noticing a shift in awareness and attention. Words like “slow down”, “pause”, “breathe”, “silence” seem to be popping up in my reading and in my conversations. I’m curious about them. I’m a bit hesitant but I’m not telling them to go away.
The world flies so fast these days, not just me. I weather the side effects of going fast. I live with a tightness in my chest, a tension in every muscle, paralyzed breathing, and a mind that won’t settle. I know that, when I literally slow down, my whole body relaxes. I take in the world so differently than when I am rushing. It’s one thing to be taking a walk for exercise, with a goal of getting and keeping your heart rate up but, it’s a different walk all together when the goal is simply to get from one place to another. It’s so different not to be in hurry. It’s also so foreign to me.
To move more slowly means to see the fullness of what is in front of me. It means to feel my body’s response as I move through space. When everything is going by fast, then my attention becomes thin and fragmented. On an ordinary day, if I stopped to notice the false urgency in my focus, I might feel like I’m flying over my life instead of actually inhabiting my life. If I slow down, I make room for more nuance in my world. I invite my self to experience the texture of a moment.
When I take life in a hurry, I take the moment in a hurry. It’s not just my body that moves fast. My mind and my emotions move fast too. For me, that fast pace too often creates a brief but powerful reaction. I can reach blazing frustration instantly. I can recoil with irritation or anger in a flash. My eyes can sting before I even realize what happened. Granted, I’m old and I’ve learned a lot over the years. I am generally capable of - yes, quickly - masking that reaction. The world doesn’t usually see the emotional explosion but I feel it.
Recently I’ve been experimenting with the notion of a pause. It’s tricky. I have to catch myself the instant I notice an out of proportion emotional response. That doesn’t mean I necessarily squelch it (as I have done for these many years). It means I pay attention. I stop. I let my awareness rest in that crack in time. Breathe. And then move forward. The simple pause, the conscious breathing, can loosen the tightness and allow me to float for a second. And that second can morph into five seconds and then I can rise above the fast reaction. Sometimes. At least I’m making space for awareness and for the possibility of change.
I used to think speed was one of my finer qualities. I did not waste time. I was productive and accomplished a lot. But now I think the joke is on me. On the go much of the time might have produced achievement but I missed a lot on the trip. It’s okay. That was then, this is now. I like that I had that life and I like that now I have the opportunity and the insight to have a slightly different life.
I’m curious. Do you fly through life or do you float through life? Or maybe something else? Are you happy with the nature of your trip?
When you sent this I doubt you planned on talking straight to me. But, I saw myself in your mirror. Every single day of my working life was to challenge my ability of being perfect!!! I learned that at a very young age. The purpose was to win my Father’s approval. Forget breathing…. just focus on the egg shells I walked on each day. I took that well practiced purpose into every day of teaching, flying around the world, or guiding eighth graders on their journey to visit their city(Wash.DC).
Now , as you note, I have complete permission to breathe, put my feet up, concentrate on the bird in the tree or the cat sitting next to me, or to hear my husband expand on introspection.
It is a coming together of brakes and red lights. Just pay attention and go slow.
A gift if noticed!! Thank you for helping me notice so clearly.
I loved this post and I support your inquiry, have fun with it! t don't know if you are into astrology at all but part of my answer to your question about where I sit on this spectrum is that I am a double Capricorn with a Virgo moon meaning I have a strong drive to fix, and amend things. I spent most of my life that way. When working as a nurse co-workers would come find me if they had problems with equipment or their patients etc. because "you are good at fixing things". It was the same with my friends
One good thing about Capricorns is that they are born little old people and become younger as they age. So now that I am approaching the end of my 7th decade, I am wondering if I want to continue on this same path and instead of being driven to do things I could feel the pull of desire to do things, explore, discover what my true self would like and to become clearer about who my true self actually is. It's a process and I find it intriguing, certainty can be limiting, being in discovery can be expansive. So that is where I am now, in discovery and where will that take me and who is the true me that wants to be liberated and explorative!
Thank you for your post and the question you posed, It has stirred something in me that was on the periphery but not in my conscious mind as yet. I am so grateful it is now acknowledged and being explored!