I know several people who tell me, “I don’t do small talk”. If you think of small talk as meaningless conversation about trivial stuff, then, sure, I get what you are saying. But, in many cases, small talk lays the groundwork for more in depth conversation. Think about a party, maybe a holiday or wedding party. You don’t really know many of the other guests but you felt obligated to attend (first mistake: going to something you feel obligated to attend but that’s a different post). You’re standing there with a glass in your hand, doing your best to look relaxed and comfortable. Another person, not your age but maybe your gender, is also mingling on the sidelines. He / she nods to you and you feel compelled to say something (anything). “Brrr! I like your sweater. You sure know how to dress for this cold weather.” If you play your cards right and follow the thread, that opening could make room for a whole convo about where you each grew up and maybe even some discussion of the pros and cons of growing up where you were each raised. Maybe even the convo could drift to family of origin and what it was like to grow up in each of your families. Bingo. What was trivial stuff turns into something more personal, more engaging, more connecting.
I have a large extended family which gets together as a full group at least twice a year. Several generations are represented and small talk is featured on the menu. When I chat it up with my nieces and nephews, the conversation always starts with some version of the general “how are you doing these days?” but every update is exciting for me. It might be small talk but it’s delightful for me to hear them talk about education/career growth or relationship ups and downs or travel experiences. The beauty of years of small talk is that I have developed a cozy friendship with several of them. We often connect beyond the large gatherings. I cherish those strong ties to the next generation and even look forward to building bonds with their children. Small talk is where the connections start.
Make no mistake about it. I do like to think and talk about what matters: the mysterious, the magical, the unknown, the questions, the poets and philosophers, dreams and regrets, the meaning of it all. To get there though, I play with the small talk. And, frankly, if I am open and curious, that can be quite a delight. I’m not going to avoid a situation because I anticipate nothing but meaningless conversation. Instead, I am going to make it into something meaningful. Do you ever do that?
**** It turns out that the day after I originally posted this piece, I listened to a new episode of the podcast Hidden Brain. It’s an interesting 50 minute conversation and touches on - voila! - the potential value of small talk. You might like listening to it too.
Hidden Brain - The Gift of Other People
I love your thoughts on this. My favorite people to talk with are always curious about others and willing to take things deeper and, you’re right, it almost always starts with small talk.
Sometimes I wonder if there's any such thing as small talk. Even the weather is a big deal during forest fire season, and if you actually care about how people are doing, "How are you?" can be meaningful.